Love at first sight...or not?

Movies always show moms falling in love-at-first-sight with their newborn babies. This is not always the case, and we all have our own stories and journeys that we should be proud of sharing, rather then feeling guilty for not "experiencing the norm".

I actually think my first day with Sawyer was quite humorous when I think back to it. You see, I really thought the doctor was going to deliver the baby, wrap him up quickly, pass him into my arms and say "congratulations Charlotte...you just gave birth to a beautiful boy"; this so was not the case! Our first encounter together was not this magical moment or absolute love at first sight; I was in such a place of focus (trying to push out this nugget and make it through the pain), that I didn't have anytime to get out of that head space and prepare for the big introduction. My doctor cheeringly hucked the baby on my chest so quickly that it completely caught me off guard. My mom said that I looked like a deer caught in head lights, staring at this little being in total shock. Yes, I thought he was amazing and divine; but in all honesty, I couldn't connect to the fact that this new baby was mine and had been inside of me for the previous 9 months. I remember just looking at this little being, waiting for this big momentous love to erupt, but still nothing. There was a small part of me that thought I was weird, or that something might be wrong with me.

Once the entire day was done and all my visitors/nurses left me alone for the night; I remember waking up for our first feed all alone. It was at this moment, when all was silent and we were alone that I fell in love with my baby and the full connection was felt. All the crazy hormones, adrenaline, out-of-body focus, and pressure had finally passed; I was able to be still, be present and connect with this beautiful gift.

There is no norm, just experiences. They are all different, special and come when it's the right time for both mom and baby.

C

You deserve what you settle for...

Ever read something and it completely knocks you on your ass and suddenly things just become clear? One day I stumbled upon "You deserve what you settle for" and clarity literally smacked me right in the face! A statement that really just sums up most of my past learning's; think of all the times you failed to act quickly or delay decisions that you know needed to be made. Then you end up in a situation where you are not happy or feel disappointed and all the while you could have changed things much sooner (when your internal gauge started to tell you something was wrong or the situation/person didn't match your values). Is it a bold statement to think that we deserve what we get if we're not willing to change things on our own? I felt so much freedom with this realization...if I settled for less then mediocre...well then I got what I deserved!

Isn't it so amazing that life is all based on our ability to make choices and take responsibility for the results that we get? Sometimes the lessons sting, but then again the learning's are a sweet reward if you choose to find it.

C

Dig deeper and you're bound to find something...

I have reflected in different areas of my life in the past few months and found that I have been abusing my relationship with food. Throughout my life I have never really had to worry about my weight or about the foods I have been eating. I love eating healthy, but on the same note I love to indulge...kind of a bipolar relationship to food to say the least. After giving birth to Sawyer, I continued to eat the same way and at the same capacity that I did when I was pregnant (which might I add here I have never enjoyed food so much as when I was growing a baby...my appetite was insatiable). When I started to dissect these tendencies and dig a little deeper into the why's...what I found were a ton of unpleasant feelings and situations that I hadn't really dealt with. You see my first few months of being pregnant I had many changes combined with an incredibly hurtful situation that dragged on for the entire pregnancy; my defence mechanism was to protect my space, (as I was sharing it with a little being that needed nothing but happiness, nourishment and love to grow into a complete human being)...so that is what I did. Unfortunately with everything happening altogether...I might have pushed aside the feelings that needed to be dealt with right away and filled it with yummy food and baby love. Everyday I felt complete-perfect!...Actually, the truth is I just allowed myself to focus on the positive and filled all my open uncomfortable space with things that felt good (like yummy food).

Giving myself space to feel the unpleasant feelings...helped heal the wounds and start to build trust again. I also knew my food triggers; coffee was my gateway drug to the land of sugar...I could drink 3-4 each day telling myself that it was making me feel better and that I needed it. I was a complete addict...unbelievable that I coached myself the same way a drug addict would, "I'll stop tomorrow", I'll just have one today", "I need to have one right now"...on and on and on. So 3 weeks ago I stopped and I feel great!

Step by step I have rekindled a heathy relationship to how I fuel my body and my mind; I am now in the drivers seat making conscious decisions rather then divulging based on craving. By far, my biggest learning has been that when I felt the uncomfortable feeling of hunger...it was really the feelings I needed to sit with and learn that it is ok to have them and I don't need to fill them up and push them down.

"What in which stands in our way, is the way" ~Nico Luce

And so the journey continues...

xoxo

C

If only I knew then what I know now...

March 3, 2010-my very first post setting out my intention and journey!

Why this Blog? Well, have you ever made a big decision with absolutely no plan for the future?

My journey starts here as 2 weeks ago I gave my notice after having worked with the company for the last 6.5 years. Had you asked me a few months ago, this change was not planned nor was it something I had set within my goals. When I resigned I felt exhausted but was excited to step foot into a life that had no plans and no foreseen direction. My mind was flooded with possibilities...I kept thinking all this must have been happening for a reason right???

So what can you expect from this new adventure of mine? Well I plan to blog about my days and all of the many obstacles, adventures, new beginning's that come my way. I hope to inspire people to take a chance in life, trust your gut and do the unpredictable.

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June 20, 2011-The not-so-secret revealed

If only I knew then what I know now! This first blog was written on March 3, 2010...just a mire few days later (on my last day of work), I found out I was pregnant to my shocking and paralyzing surprise. To break it down..."the excitement I had to step foot into a life that had no plans and no foreseen direction," definitely took a large veer to left field. New major decisions needed to be made for my baby-to-be and me.

This last year has been the greatest year of my life filled with the biggest changes I have ever faced. It has literally taken me 1 year 2 months and 17 days (or 443 days) to begin this process again. Now I get to continue the journey that I started; and as life always seems to do, I am back full circle standing in a place filled only with possibility and excitement for the future.

C

p.s...I can't believe how nerve-racking it is to publish the first post lol.